Being self-depreciating is useless

Since October, I have made big strides in my coming out process. The inherent challenges and goals of the past six months have been rewarding and give me a sense of pride. I came out to my parents, sister, and most of my inner circle. I feel more comfortable, confident, happier, and open and honest with my loved ones. These feelings allow me to live my life uninhibited without censoring my actions or words around others.

But even with all these achievements and milestones, it is amazing how the power of that little voice in the back of my head can be so manipulative and regress me into the homophobe that I once was. The homophobe that brewed with negative self-thoughts and self-hatred. Phrases like: "you're not worthy of love and appreciation"; "people hate you"; and "you are a disgrace" were not uncommon.

That little voice reiterated that I was not worth the happiness and honesty I had deprived myself of for so long; that I was still less than; that I could not and should not so I would not be able to find the courage and strength to overcome and conquer.

What did the little voice accomplish? Nothing, but a backward, downhill motion. It kept me from developing self-love and depreciated all my positive self-thoughts. It sent a message to the universe that I'm not worth it.

I had come out of the closet, was supposed to feel much better about myself, and was not supposed to hear these phrases anymore. I was supposed to feel a greater degree of inner peace and still heard these loathing thoughts coming from myself. I should have shut off these thoughts, but I couldn't help but listen and believe them. Why did I do this to myself?

Well, I certainly didn't intend to. Society had instilled these beliefs into all its citizens, including myself. I had fallen vulnerable to these deceitful lies and outrageous generalizations about how gays are perceived.

So let's talk a look at the facts: I am gay, and my family loves me just as much. I am just as worthy of love and appreciation as straight folk. People don't hate me. And I am not a disgrace to anyone. I know this from the bottom of my heart.

Why this sudden, positive change from within?

Being self-depreciating is useless.

I am SO worth it and so much better for not listening to that messed up voice anymore. I am no longer giving it energy and turning off the power.