I have come a long way to accept and love myself

Tonight, over dinner, I came out to my parents while my sister sat beside me. I used the same story line as before. It was tough. My dad completely missed it the first time and thought I was unhappy about my career, but my mom got it, became silent, and avoided eye contact. So I repeated myself for my dad to hear. Immediately, my dad said if that’s who you are, then I accept you. It surprisingly went well for him. I learned a little more about my dad and what kind of person he is: apparently quite reasonable and accepting. My dad says it’s no one else’s business outside of the family. He’s always been that kind of person who minds his own business and rarely gets into others’ business even if he has something strong to express. Only we need to know this and it’s not necessary to show and tell others.

My mom stayed very quiet and did not say a word even after I asked her to tell us what she was thinking. The extent of her words expressed that she did not expect something like this – even though she would be fine with me and my sister being single for the rest of our lives and not have children. I think she is also worried about what others will think. But like my dad said, it doesn’t matter what others think. What matters is what the family thinks. In the car, she still says that she accepts me as her son, but does not understand why I am gay or how it happened. I tried my best to explain I am born like that and that she cannot blame it on things that have happened in my life or the things that she has done as a parent. She said that I may change my mind in the future, but I had to reiterate that I have come a long way to accept and love myself as gay before coming out to them.

I told her several times that I have reading material for her that will hopefully answer some of her questions, but she seemed to ignore it. Overall, my mother’s vibe right now is to ignore the issue and not discuss it. It’s kind of sad, because I expected her to be more vocal and have open communication about it. I need to her say that she accepts me for who I am and loves me. I need her validation.

Something within me is still heavy and burdening me down. I don’t know what it is, but I think it’s the fact that my mom has not initially been openly accepting with me being gay. I have to accept that she needs to time to absorb this information and be patient while she figures things out.

But I know I need to be positive, and this is supposed to be a freeing experience. This is supposed to relieve me and lift the heavy burden, but I have a slight headache. Advil now.