I crossed the street

So yesterday I went to the meeting. It was... hmm, I don’t know how to describe it. I guess it was a good thing that I went. Initially, I definitely judged the other participants: what? What are they wearing? They don’t look like it? That's the very judgmental part of me. But I remember just before I crossed the street to the facility, I am going to meet my brothers and sisters. I knew that this would make me a stronger person. They are my brothers and sisters. On the outside, we are different, regardless of sexual orientation. But inside we are the same fragile human beings or at least have had similar experiences.

During the meeting, I talked a little bit, but the moderator talked about himself A LOT. I wish I had more time to speak, because I did have questions. It reminded me of recruiting and finding a new career/job. I wanted to interview them to know what it’s like. At one point in the conversation, I said aloud that I am gay. I did not feel any shame. It felt relieving I guess. I felt at ease at the meeting to be myself, speak, laugh, gesture, ask questions, etc. It felt good. These other men were my brothers. They either have gone through, are going through, or will go through where I have been and where I expect to go in the future. They invited me to a coffee shop around the corner, a casual social that occurs after the meeting ends, and I said that I would think about it. I was going to drive around the corner, but at the corner drove home. Later, I found out it wasn't around the corner, but blocks away.

Right now, my subconscious still feels the guilt and shame and heartbroken feelings. But it is a fact that I am gay. It is not a choice. It’s like pre-determined when you are born, like left-handedness. Today I have been thinking of coming out to my sister over this weekend. As I mentioned in the meeting, my sister has asked me point blank on at least two separate occasions if I am gay. Both times I told her no. So the moderator said that even though she asked such a ballsy question, it is a good sign. Same with my mom. When I came back home one weekend from first semester of freshman year, she asked if I had a girlfriend. I said no. Then she asked if I had a boyfriend. I said no, of course. In those moments, I of course froze before I responded. I was being called out and put on the spot. I guess what the moderator meant by that was they suspected it and have perhaps toyed with the idea that I may be gay. This might be a good sign because they might expect something like that from me.