Unknowns can remain unknown

During the past couple of weeks, I have been thinking about the concept of inner peace and what it means to have inner peace. At a recent meeting, the idea of inner peace sparked my interest and became something I wanted to explore and find for myself. I have been soul-searching through this coming out process and thought inner peace appropriate as a part of the journey.

I tried to evaluate what degree of inner peace I have achieved through the coming process. As for my sexuality, I have achieved a great deal of acceptance and peace. I am finally out to most of my inner circle with the exception of best friend #1 and slowly gaining more confidence with every coming out. The plan with best friend #1 continues to be waiting until we get the chance to see each other in person with the most recent forecast in the spring.

This weekend I came out to two college friends and did so proudly with a big smile each time. Both conversations came about as we caught up like friends who hadn't seen each other in a while and involved a change in my coming out speech. As with my previous speech, I make a point to come out in a casual conversation rather than a "sit down, I have something important to tell you" announcement. The change involves me saying that I am proudly out of the closet rather than I am gay. I believe this revision shows progress in self-acceptance and projects my sense of assuredness to the receipient of the news. Today, through separate communications, both college friends reiterated how happy they are for me. I am blessed with great friends!

Clearly, I am not having much trouble gaining comfort, confidence and peace with my sexuality. However, other parts of my life, not so much. As I see it, many parts of my life have yet to be settled nor do I know what the future holds for them. The unknown makes me feel mixed: optimistic, excited, anxious, nervous, unsure and doubtful. These feelings negatively affect my self-perception, strip me of my inner peace and takes away the peace I do have pertaining to sexuality.

I wrestled with this idea and initially came to the conclusion that I was not satisfied with the degree of inner peace I had achieved through the coming out process. I had expected my coming out to settle other unrelated parts of my life, give me straightforward answers, and had generally asked for too much from myself.

A conversation with my sister took away these negative feelings and gave me an even higher degree of inner peace. I realized that though many parts of my life remain unknown and have yet to be settled, I can still find peace. I don't need to know everything about myself and figure out the rest of my life now to be peaceful. The unknowns can remain unknown. Time and more life experience will settle the unknowns and give me answers. Not knowing is what gives us wisdom and makes life an adventure.