Just some random thoughts I had last night that kept me up before bed.
For the past several months, I have had these deep thoughts before bed that keep me up and make me toss and turn throughout the night. This results in poor sleep quality, and I ain't gonna have it anymore! I need to sleep like a baby.
Part of me is anxious to tell those who are not physically in the area and another part is anxious to find out what the next step is after coming out to people. For example, what does it mean to be gay, aside from the fact that I am attracted to the same sex? Does it mean I have to get involved in the LGBT community? Have LGBT friends? Get politically active? Volunteer my time to LGBT causes and charities? Act, talk, walk certain ways? Do certain things be to accepted? So many questions in my mind. I think writing them here helps relieve the presssure I put on myself to get these answers stat!
I can't wait to tell my two other best (best = close; interchangable) friends (#1 and #2, respectively) and come out to them. I am in a waiting pattern right now and don't believe I can move forward in my coming out process until the announcement. I fully expect them both to accept me as gay (and confirm to me their long-held suspicions) and celebrate with me over the holidays. Wow, that's a heartwarming thought! But then I hope that I am not a bad judge of character and building up this announcement to only be hurt or disappointed with their responses. Ah, stop doubting... they will accept you. I am blessed with such loving and accepting friends. I love them!
A part of me wants to be completely honest and open about myself to the world and just be out to everyone, including all my old friends, but a part of me does NOT want to be labeled as one of the gays in a negative way. I don't want the old college and high school kids to say to themselves, "Finally, he's out! What took him so long? It was so clearly obvious" and then smirk. I anticipate this kind of reaction because of how a couple of college friends reacted to an acquaintence coming out within the past year or so when they bumped into him at a gay/lesbian bar in WeHo.
My subconscious still wishes I weren't gay beacuse life would be so much easier being straight in a straight-oriented world. This is the conservative and traditional side of me thinking. Yes, I can't believe it. But it's true, I have that side. So much for being a part of the more progressive generation. For those Desperate Housewives watchers, I remind myself of Bree VanDeKamp's character. Prim and proper like an old southern lady. Like the one in the movie Borat. You know, where Borat has dinner at this traditional southern home and then gets into some shenanigans in the bathroom, eventually bringing out his body waste in a plastic bag down to the dinner table. Haha, that was so disgusting, but funny. Back to my traditional side, it's like, what? Gay? You? No, you can't be. I won't have any of that associated with my name. Damn it. I feel like I am part of my progressive change-yearning society, but this subconscious self is in a way infiltrating my positive thoughts and giving me cynical thoughts. I need to consciously block that part out and find the strength to change that part of me.
Since I am out, one important thing I need to find out is whether or not other guys find me attractive. I mean, most people think I am a well-rounded guy and easy to talk with, but that's below the surface and counts for something. But my vain self wants to know if I am cute, hot, ugly, retarded, all right, or what not. I have worked on my body over the last two years and I am at a point where I should be happy with my body. It certainly isn't a model's body, but maybe it is and I don't see myself that way. I think I look good naked, but who knows what other people's eyes see. I don't think my face is butt ugly or chiseled like a model, but there is one slight insecurity. But I am not going to get into that. I mean, I didn't realize there was anything "wrong" until I grew up and realized the "defect" myself. No one has EVER mentioned it or teased me about it to my face except my sister. Maybe I am just insecure with her teasing. I know she doesn't mean harm.
I just received a message from an old fraternity brother. We clicked when we first met and had very memorable and good times together hanging out back in the day. I last saw him this summer after about 4-5 years of not seeing each other, and I think it was a bit awkward. I still had this secret inside me and could not be honest to my "brother". Because of the great times we've had, I believe he accepts me for who I am, including the gay part. But what if he just doesn't have a good gaydar and has no clue. What would happen when I do come out to him? I don't think it's in the very near future because we have no plans to fly across the country to see each other. Would this be a relationship that can go further no longer? Hmm, only time will tell. And I've realize time heals. It's usually a great thing to be able to exercise patience.
Core memory unlocked!
5 years ago
1 comment:
Just found this blog. Interesting coming out story. So far, so good.
In answer to your questions about what you need to do now that you have realized and accepted that you are gay and begun to come out, I'd say you don't *have* to do anything. There is no obligatory gay behavior. Just be yourself. If you want to wear certain clothes, wear them. If you want to wear something else, wear it. You don't have to go to gay bars or clubs, or adopt new speech patterns and vocabulary. You don't have to engage in a particular pattern of sexual behavior.
In other words, you don't have to fit anybody else's stereotype, and you don't have to imitate anybody else's behavior.
As for being attractive, I think it's awfully hard to be objective about ourselves. If you have to ask a few people you trues, such as your sister, fine. But believe what they tell you. And there's no point in worrying about it too much. After all,your appearance is what it is. And most people are good enough looking to be attractive to a good number of other people.
People keep coming into our lives. A lot just come and go. Others, like co-workers are around for a while. You'll continue to meet attractive people as well as some unattractive ones. Some of the attractive ones will be attracted to you. Some of those with whom there is mutual attraction will be sufficiently compatible for a long-term relationship.
I think the key word is patience. You can't force the "right" people to show up in your life. You can be available when they do, and you can do things you're comfortable doing that make it possible for them to meet you (volunteering, religious activities, attending shows and concerts, anything you're interested in for its own sake that gets you out of the house). You shouldn't expect to meet someone every time. But occasionally it can happen.
Good luck.
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