Up until that moment, I didn't think I was ready to date. I had hidden my sexuality and dating a person of the same gender was not a possibility. I did not date girls because I knew that I wouldn't be honest and truthful to myself and the girl and would end up hurting her and my integrity.
At this moment, I honestly did not know how to assess whether I was ready to date or not. But a Camp Courage participant, an attractive lesbian in her mid-30's who has been through two long-term relationships and had her last break-up early this year, put it this way: do you have a yearning to be with someone, spend time him, share experiences, exchange your deepest thoughts and emotions, and be with someone who is extra special to you?
I took a moment to assess my emotional and mental needs, and I believe I AM ready to date. The answer to that question was "yes!" I think I was ready a long time ago. Perhaps even before this whole coming out journey. I had yearned for an intimate relationship in which I could share my life with an extra special someone. This yearning was not an unfamiliar feeling; it has remained a part of me for at least the past handful of years. And I have been subconsciously looking for a partner - and not just a fling - by checking out guys. How I did not make clear sense of this natural human behavior embarrasses me. But I couldn't risk getting outed, because I think I only would have dated when I reached a place where I was honest and truthful with myself. Since I am honest and truthful with my sexuality now, I have never been more ready to date! I have never had a relationship, and I think it would be a new world for me. A world of new experiences, learning about relationships and life lessons. I think that it enriches and builds so much character and relationship savvy in a person.
From dating to relationships to love, they say that when you look for love, you never find it. But when you are not looking, it finds you. I hear this from many people, gay and straight. But my self-disappointment is that I haven't stopped looking for love by way of checking out guys when in public. Maybe I need to stop looking, checking out guys in public, and put finding one on the back burner.
I spent a weekend in Vegas with my two gays and developed more confidence in dancing, flirting, and speaking with guys. We went to Krave Las Vegas two nights in a row and had a great time. We arrived at the club very late the first night to a disappating crowd. An off-duty dancer there chatted with me and one of my friends and put us on the guest list for the next night. We learned our lesson to arrive earlier, before 1 am, to a decent crowd. This night, I danced with a British twink who works in Knoxville and then chatted with a southern cutie from Virginia who has been a Vegas local for five years. Nothing came of either guys except some innocent dancing and conversations, but I had an awesome boys' weekend. Our personal collection of blurred pictures perfectly captured the fun and memory lapses.
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